If you answered “True” to any one of these statements, you are not alone and might benefit from learning some skills that can help improve your relationship. There are four behaviors that are high predictors of relationship dissatisfaction and separation. We, in the Gottman-World, refer to these behaviors as “The Four Horsemen.”

Criticism:  This occurs when someone describes a problem as a flaw in their partner’s personality rather than as an isolated incident (e.g., labeling your partner as “lazy” when they wake up late).

Defensiveness: Often observed in the face of criticism, defensiveness occurs when a partner attempts to protect themselves against a perceived attack. This can sometimes occur through overt denial, but can also look like a counter-attack.

Stonewalling: This occurs when the listener in a conflict withdraws from the interaction while staying in the room by failing to give clues that they are listening (e.g., staring at the TV). Usually stonewalling occurs when someone is internally overwhelmed and become frozen.

Contempt: Contemptuous statements are criticisms made specifically to make oneself superior to their partner in some way (e.g., labeling your partner as “stupid” or unable to understand what is being discussed).

One of the goals in treatment is to better explore if these behaviors are present during your conflict conversations, and if so, learning the skills needed to replace them with better means of communication.

If you would like to talk to us about what treatment might look like for you and your partner specifically, please don’t hesitate to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with any one of our clinicians. We would be happy to see if treatment is the right thing to help you and your partner learn to better manage conflict!