It may seem like bad news, but the good news is that you can put your energy into everyday behavioral change instead of trying to change your partner’s personality or core values.

The more we express anger and resentment, the angrier and more resentful we become. Therefore it is damaging rather than relieving as previously thought, to vent to the person with whom we are angry. (This is different than expressing anger clearly in a non-blaming manner)

A study John Gottman revealed that “babies raised by unhappy parents suffered developmentally. They lagged behind babies of contented parents both intellectually and emotionally. Speeche occurred later, potty training was delayed and the ability to self-sooth was slow in coming.” Gottman 2007

Of course yelling at one another is not ideal, but it is nowhere nearly as toxic as the other communication problems.