How the Fight or Flight Response Ruins Relationships
By Laura Silverstein, Certified Couples Therapist
Have you ever been in a casual conversation with your partner that suddenly went from calm to catastrophic—seemingly out of nowhere? One second you’re talking about dinner plans, and the next you’re in a full-blown argument.
That’s not because your relationship is broken. It’s because your brain got tricked.
When Your Brain Can’t Tell the Difference Between a Bear and Your Partner
In moments of emotional escalation, the human brain can’t distinguish between real physical danger—like a bear outside your tent—and a perceived emotional threat—like your partner asking, “Do you have a minute to talk?”
Both situations can activate the fight-or-flight response, which is designed to keep us alive. Unfortunately, this incredibly useful biological reflex can be toxic in our intimate relationships if we don’t learn how to manage it.
Let me explain how and why this happens.
The Biology of the Fight-or-Flight Response
Deep inside your brain lies the amygdala—an almond-shaped region that functions like a smoke detector. Its job is simple but vital: to scan for danger 24/7. Whether you’re asleep, eating French fries, or arguing with your partner, your amygdala is always on duty.
The problem? It can’t tell the difference between physical threats and emotional discomfort. So even when you’re completely safe, your amygdala might interpret your partner’s criticism or concern as danger.
Once that alarm is triggered, the prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain responsible for empathy, logic, and good decision-making—goes offline. Your body floods with adrenaline and cortisol, your heart races, your breathing becomes shallow, and your ability to think clearly disappears.
This is why we say or do things in heated moments that we later regret.
The Big Misconception: It’s Not Just About Calming Your Body
Most people understand that calming your body is key during conflict. But what many miss is that your thinking also becomes impaired. You literally lose access to the part of your brain that remembers your partner is your ally—not your enemy.
In those moments, your brain perceives your partner as someone who’s out to get you. And it feels like your job is to fight back—or flee.
The good news? You can learn how to override this.
What To Do When the Fight-or-Flight Response Hijacks Your Relationship
Here are three steps you can take when you’re triggered during an argument:
Step 1: Recognize What’s Happening
You’re already ahead of the game just by reading this.
Understand that the adrenaline and cortisol in your body take about 20 minutes to leave your system. That means calming down takes time—it’s not something you can breathe through in 30 seconds.
Many couples make the mistake of saying, “I just need a second,” taking one deep breath, and then jumping right back into the conversation. But if your body hasn’t reset, your brain isn’t ready to communicate calmly.
You need a full 20 minutes—sometimes longer.
Step 2: Call a Timeout and Self-Soothe
After recognizing that you’re in fight-or-flight, take a real timeout.
Use that time not to rehearse your next argument point, but to calm your body and your mind. Remind yourself:
“I’m safe. My partner is not my enemy.”
This is mental training. Navy SEALs go through similar exercises—learning to override their instinctive panic in simulated drowning scenarios. You can do the emotional version of this by reminding yourself, over and over again, that you’re not in actual danger.
Step 3: Reconnect and Repair (When You’re Both Calm)
Once you’re back in your thinking brain, you can return to your partner to repair the disconnect. You might not even talk about it the same day—and that’s okay. Timing matters.
There are two levels of repair:
First-Level Repair: Apologize and Take Accountability
Say you’re sorry for what you said that was unkind. That simple acknowledgment can go a long way.
Deeper-Level Repair: Understand Your Triggers
Go a step further by exploring why you got so upset. Was your partner’s comment touching an old wound that predates your relationship?
For example:
“When you mentioned I don’t clean up after myself, it reminded me of growing up in a chaotic home. It made me feel unsafe, even though I know you weren’t trying to hurt me.”
Most of our triggers are connected to experiences from childhood—not because anyone deliberately harmed us, but because we were vulnerable then.
Understanding your own triggers—and listening generously to your partner’s—creates compassion. Often, your partner wasn’t trying to harm you at all. They were the emotional equivalent of the park ranger, coming to check on you, not the bear in the woods.
Final Thoughts: It’s Not Your Fault (Or Theirs)
This dynamic is not your fault. It’s biology. But awareness is the first step toward change.
When both partners understand how the brain works in conflict—and are willing to take intentional timeouts—you gain access to the full power of your thinking brain. You can make better decisions, communicate more kindly, and rebuild trust.
And most importantly, you can remember that your partner loves you. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.