We know from Gottman’s research that healthy, secure relationships are built. They don’t just appear out of thin air.

This reaction video walks you through exactly what successful bids for connecion look like in a healthy relationship, and what failed bids look like in a failing relationship.

https://youtu.be/wamuuBqTsek

As a Gottman couples therapist, I start all new couples with a thorough relationship assessment, looking for strengths and challenges according to the Gottman Method. One of the core principles in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is what we call “turning toward” or “making bids for connection.”

One of the simplest ways to see a relationship getting stronger (or slowly falling apart) is to pay attention to the small ways that couples either connect or disconnect by giving and receiving bids for connection throughout their day.

Bids for connection.

A bid is any moment where one partner reaches out, subtly or directly, with warmth, interest, or closeness.

Here’s a tiny example.

If I walk up to you and say, “Hey, did you see that bird on the windowsill?”
That’s a bid.

It’s not about the bird. It’s about, “Come share this moment with me for a second.”

According to decades of Gottman research:

Successful couples turn toward bids most of the time (around 86%)

Distressed couples turn toward bids far less (around 33%)

That’s a huge gap, and it’s made up of very ordinary moments.

The 3 Ways We Respond to a Bid

When your partner makes a bid, you usually respond in one of three ways:

1) Turn Toward

You engage. You respond. You connect.

• “Oh wow, I see it!”

• A smile

• “Tell me more”

• “Mhm” (Yes, even that counts sometimes.)

2) Turn Away

You miss it or ignore it (often unintentionally).

• Silence

• No eye contact

• Changing the subject

This doesn’t always cause a fight. But it quietly takes connection off the table.

3) Turn Against

You respond with irritation, sarcasm, criticism, or contempt.

• “I’m reading. Why are you talking to me?”

• “Seriously?”

• Eye-rolls, mocking, snappy tone

When bids get shut down like this, people eventually stop reaching.

And that’s where relationships start to feel lonely.

Why Missed Bids Are Such a Big Deal (Even When Nobody “Fights”)

Here’s what makes bids so sneaky: you usually don’t notice the damage in the moment.

If I say, “Look at that bird,” and you ignore me… I probably won’t blow up. I’ll just keep going with my day.

But over time, those little moments add up. And one day a couple walks into therapy and says:

“We don’t fight. We just don’t feel close anymore.”

That’s often the story of a relationship built on thousands of missed bids.

Movie Example #1: Andy and Nate in The Devil Wears Prada (A Relationship in Slow Decline)

This is a pretty realistic example of how a relationship can decline without one big dramatic event.

What we see early on

Andy is talking about her day—her inner world. That’s a bid.

Nate is cooking breakfast, but he’s listening. He’s smiling. He asks questions. That’s turning toward.

So far, so good.

Then the “small misses” start to stack up

• He pours her a glass of wine. She takes it… and doesn’t say thank you.
  Not “terrible,” but it’s a missed moment of connection.

• He makes her a sandwich. She says, “I’m not even hungry anymore,” and doesn’t eat it.
  Again, not a crime. But it’s another disconnect.

The bigger turning points

Later, Andy hugs him from behind. Physical affection is a bid. She’s also offering an apology (another bid).

He doesn’t hug her back. He doesn’t receive the apology. Then he pushes away with comments like, “I liked the old clothes.”

That’s not just “disagreeing.” That’s a withdrawal from the emotional bank account.

And then there’s a painful moment: she gives an expensive gift (a big bid), and instead of gratitude, she gets sarcasm and mockery.

At that point, bids aren’t just being missed—they’re being punished.

And when bids get punished, people stop making them.

Movie Example #2: Julia and Paul in Julie & Julia (A Fast, Clear Picture of a Secure Relationship)

Now for the fun part: a healthy, happy relationship where bids are flying back and forth in a short amount of time.

Julia says, “What should I do?”
That’s a bid.

He says, “About what?”
That’s a bid back. He’s leaning in.

She talks. He responds with small encouragements—“Mhm”—and it counts. Because it communicates:

“I’m here. I’m listening. Keep going.”

Then he asks a deeper question:

“What is it that you really like to do?”

That’s turning toward in a powerful way. He’s not dismissing her. He’s helping her get closer to herself.

And later, we see the physical bids too:

• Touching an arm

• Returning touch

• Leaning in for a kiss and reciprocating

• Shared laughter

All of that is money in the emotional bank account. Over and over again.

The Takeaway: It’s Not the Big Moments—It’s the Tiny Ones

Most couples think relationship health is about:

• Having the “big talk”

• Solving the “main problem”

• Making a grand romantic gesture

Those can help.

But the foundation is built on tiny moments like:

• “Can I tell you something?”

• “Look at this.”

• “Are you okay?”

• “Will you sit with me for a minute?”

A secure relationship is built when partners consistently send the message:

“You matter. I see you. I’m with you.”

Try This at Home: The 2-Day Bid Count Challenge

For the next two days, try this simple experiment.

1. Notice bids (yours and your partner’s).

2. Track responses:

   • Turn Toward

   • Turn Away

   • Turn Against

You don’t have to be perfect. You’re just gathering data.

Then ask one gentle question at the end of the day:

“What’s one bid I missed today that I want to catch tomorrow?”

That question alone can shift the tone of a relationship fast.

If Your Relationship Has Lots of “Turn Away” or “Turn Against” Moments

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Oof… we do that,” please hear this:

It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It means your connection needs rebuilding—brick by brick.

At Main Line Counseling Partners, we help couples in the Greater Philadelphia area slow things down, understand the pattern, and practice new responses that actually create closeness again.

Because you don’t need a perfect relationship.

You need a relationship where you both know how to find each other again.

We help people feel happier one conversation at a time.