7 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Breaking Up
Here is the blog post version of the above video ⬇️
The most common questions I get in my office are:
Should I end my relationship?
Should I stay? Should I go?
Should I keep working on it, or should I call it quits?
And unfortunately, I can’t answer any of these questions for you. Because deep down, you know this is your decision—and it’s your decision only.
Some social media gurus will say things like, “If they say this, leave.” But you and I both know it’s not just one sentence that ends a relationship. This is something you want to be doing intentionally, carefully, and mindfully.
So in this post, I’m going to share seven questions you can ask yourself. I’m going to walk you through each one step by step so you can make sure you’re not being reactive—you’re being intentional and deliberate. This is a process to make sure you haven’t left a single stone unturned.
My name is Laura Silverstein. I’m a couples therapist outside of Philadelphia, and I’ve been helping people with this since 1995—both individually and as couples. I truly know how to help you through this.
The Paralysis of “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”
Oftentimes, thinking about ending a relationship causes what I call mental paralysis. It’s a state of feeling stuck between should I go, should I stay. It’s a limbo.
If you stay in this place too long, it causes resentment, hurt feelings, and unnecessary suffering.
That paralysis usually comes from focusing on things that are out of your control, which leaves you feeling powerless and stuck.
Most of the time, when we’re thinking about leaving someone, we’re thinking about them:
What they said.
What they did.
Whether we should put up with it.
Whether they’re capable of changing.
We pour so much mental energy into our partner and what they are doing.
That’s why Question #1 changes everything.
Question #1: What Do I Want?
Instead of focusing on your partner, ask yourself:
What do I want?
Once you ponder this question, the process becomes:
How do I move forward to see if I can get what I want? Instead of living in a whirlwind of thoughts about the pain of your relationship.
That’s question number one.
Question #2: Am I Waiting for Them to Change?
This next question helps speed up your decision-making—especially if you’ve been thinking:
“It will get better when X, Y, or Z happens.”
When we’re in love with someone’s potential instead of who they are right now, it’s a setup for disappointment. It’s also a setup for your partner, because they may not share the same goals for change that you have for them.
So question number two is very clear:
Am I waiting for my partner to change, or do I love them today for who they are right now?
You may still want things to get better—but fundamentally, do you love who they are today, not just their potential?
Question #3: Do I Feel Loved for Who I Am?
This question is the reverse of question two.
You deserve unconditional love. You deserve to be loved just for sitting there.
Perhaps your partner is the one waiting for you to change.
So question number three is:
Do you feel loved for who you are, or do you feel like someone wants you to be somebody else?
This is hard to think about—but you deserve unconditional love, and so does your partner.
You may need to find that with a different person. Or you may be able to align your goals more realistically.
Question #4: Have You Asked for What You Need?
Now we move from the abstract to the concrete—what is actually said out loud.
This question is all about communication skills.
Most people want their partner to just know how they feel: without having to say it out loud. They don’t want to ask for things because it doesn’t feel as meaningful if they have to ask.
But the reality is:
If you don’t ask for what you need, your partner doesn’t know what to give you.
So question number four is:
Have you asked for what you need clearly, directly, and respectfully?
You might not need to break up. You might just need to brush up on communication skills—and that would be really good news. You can start with this EMPATHY MADE EASY: A FREE Mini Course For Couples.
Communication skills can truly turn things around when there is deep, fundamental love.
Question #5: What Will Your Life Look Like If It’s Truly Over?
This question is harder because it forces you to think past anger and momentum.
When there’s a buildup of anger and disappointment, it’s easy to focus only on what’s wrong and rush into a painful decision.
So I ask clients to think about the real-life impact:
What would it be like to have less time with your kids?
What would it be like to lose your partner’s extended family?
What happens to your finances?
Your living situation?
Your pets?
Your shared world?
If you leave without fully thinking this through, you may end up ping-ponging in and out of the relationship—which causes even more damage.
So mentally, try it on for size:
What will your life actually look like if it’s truly over?
Question #6: Have You Taken a “Hail Mary Pass”?
This question is about what I call a Hail Mary Pass to see if the relationship can truly be saved.
Examples of a Hail Mary Pass:
An intensive couples therapy experience
A spiritual retreat
Unplugging from distractions and being alone together
A focused reconnection trip or vacation
So question number six is simple:
Have I taken my Hail Mary Pass?
People often worry about finances—but depending on your situation, a Hail Mary Pass is often far less costly than a divorce.
Question #7: Have You Made a Decision?
This final question is different. This one is about your gut.
Ask yourself:
Have you made a decision?
Pause on that.
Have you made a decision?
If that’s where you are, you might be paralyzed, not due to indecision, but due to not knowing how to say it out loud. (Stay Tuned: I’m working on another blog post walking you through how to break up amicably.)
What’s Next?
If you need support from a neutral 3rd party, individual therapy might be a good next step for you. If you live in Pennsylvania, we have a team of warm, skilled therapists who have years of experience helping people with this very question.
Reach out to our Intake Coordinator by Scheduling an Appointment.