Avoidant or Anxious Attachment Communication Advice

How to Get Your Avoidant Partner to Open Up (Without Pushing Them Away)

If you’d like to see a video version of this video, see below, or skip and keep reading.

Have you ever tried to get your partner to open up… and watched them pull away instead?

If that’s happening, your intention might be loving, but your approach might be backfiring. The good news is you don’t need to become a “deep feelings” person overnight, and you don’t need a memorized list of perfect questions. What usually works better is a gentler communication shift—one that invites your partner in instead of shutting them down.

And you’re right to take this seriously. When couples get stuck in surface-level conversation for too long, emotional distance can slowly grow. Over time, that distance can become a real threat to the relationship; especially if your partner has an avoidant or anxious attachment style.

My name is Laura Silverstein, and I’m a couples therapist and Certified Gottman Couples Therapist. I’ve helped thousands of couples with this exact struggle through my practice at Main Line Counseling Partners in the Greater Philadelphia area. In this post, you’ll learn a simple three-step process that helps your partner talk about real issues—without feeling interrogated, pressured, or put on the spot.

This process is simple, but it’s powerful because it’s based on a skill most couples skip: asking better questions.

Why “5 Deep Questions” Often Backfires

A lot of relationship advice online goes like this: memorize five deep questions, ask them at dinner, and suddenly your partner becomes emotionally open.

In theory, it sounds right. Thoughtful questions can lead to vulnerability, and vulnerability can lead to intimacy.

But here’s the problem: if your partner doesn’t like talking about feelings, asking something like, “What do you fear the most?” can land as awkward, unnatural, or even threatening—especially if your partner tends to shut down under pressure (or if they lean avoidant, anxious, or just emotionally private).

Imagine your partner is cooking dinner and you walk in with, “So… what’s your biggest fear?”

Most people don’t experience that as “connection.” They experience it as an emotional pop quiz. This will probably land as awkward and forced.

If your partner struggles with emotional language, it doesn’t make sense to begin with the most intense version of it. What works better is learning how to gently test the waters and build comfort as you go.

The 3-Step Process That Helps People Open Up Naturally

Interestingly, one of the best demonstrations of this idea doesn’t come from a relationship expert at all—it comes from a sales training video. And yes, even though the context is business, the communication skill translates perfectly into emotional intimacy.

Here’s what the trainer shows: most conversations get stuck in a closed-loop pattern.

You: “How was your day?”
Them: “Fine.”
You: “Good.”
…and the conversation dies.

It’s not that anyone is doing something wrong. It’s that the question only invites a short answer.

So what do you do instead?

Step 1: Ask Open-Ended Questions

An open-ended question is any question that can’t be answered with one word or just logistics.

For example, instead of:

“How was your day?”

Try:

“What was the most interesting part of your day?”
“What happened today that took the most energy?”
“What’s something you’re still thinking about from today?”

Notice what these questions do: they invite a story, not a report.

In the video, the trainer asks someone:
“Tell me about the last place you went on vacation.”

That’s open-ended. It gives the other person room to speak without forcing vulnerability.

The Common Mistake After Asking a Good Question

Here’s where a lot of people unintentionally sabotage things: they ask a great open-ended question… and then they start talking about themselves.

The trainer models this in an exaggerated way—listing accomplishments, telling long stories, dominating the moment. It’s funny, but it’s also painfully relatable.

When we do this in relationships, it often sounds like:

“Oh yeah, I know exactly what you mean…”
“That reminds me of when I…”
“Here’s what happened to me…”

And suddenly the conversation becomes about you again.

If your goal is to help your partner open up, your job is not to perform. Your job is to create safety.

Which brings us to step two.

Step 2: Practice Active Listening

Active listening isn’t just nodding or saying “uh-huh.” It’s communicating, “I’m with you. I’m tracking. I care.”

In the video, the second time the trainer asks the open-ended question, he stays present. He listens. He doesn’t hijack the moment. He keeps the focus on the other person.

And something interesting happens: the other person starts sharing more.

Not because the questions got “deeper,” but because the conversation got safer.

When you actively listen, you’re showing your partner:

“You don’t have to defend yourself.”
“You won’t be corrected.”
“You won’t be judged.”
“You won’t be pressured into a feeling you’re not ready to name.”

This is the foundation of emotional intimacy in couples therapy.

Step 3: Follow Up Naturally

Here’s the biggest relief for most people: you don’t need to prepare ten perfect questions.

You only need to prepare one good open-ended question, then let the rest come from their answers.

That’s what the trainer points out in the video: he held up one finger because he only planned one question. Everything else came from listening.

This is what makes your follow-up questions feel natural instead of interrogating.

For example:

Partner: “Work was a lot today.”
You: “What part was the hardest?”
Partner: “Honestly, the meeting with my boss.”
You: “What happened in that meeting?”
Partner: “I felt like I couldn’t do anything right.”
You: “That sounds heavy. Do you want comfort or do you want to vent?”

Now you’re in a real conversation—but your partner led you there.

And this matters: when your follow-ups come from their words, you’re following your partner’s comfort level. You’re learning what they’re ready to talk about today, instead of dragging them into what you think they “should” talk about.

The Skill That Makes This Even Easier: “Skydiving Listening”

In my Relationship Academy work, I call this Skydiving Listening—listening as if your life depends on it.

Because when you’re truly listening:

You stop forcing depth.
You stop trying to “fix” the moment.
You stop searching for the perfect line.

And the questions come naturally, because you’re responding to the person in front of you—not a script in your head.

A Gentle Challenge for This Week

If you want your partner to open up more, start small:

Ask one open-ended question a few nights this week.
Focus on listening more than talking.
Ask one follow-up based directly on what they just said.

Don’t go for “deep.” Go for real.

Because real is what builds emotional safety—and emotional safety is what leads to intimacy.

When This Still Feels Hard

If you’re trying your best and your conversations still feel stuck in logistics, you’re not alone. Many couples in the Greater Philadelphia area come to Main Line Counseling Partners for couples therapy because they want more closeness, but they don’t know how to get there without one person shutting down and the other person feeling rejected.

Couples therapy can help you break that pattern without blaming either partner. It’s not about “getting your partner to talk.” It’s about building the kind of safety where talking feels possible again—one conversation at a time.

If you’d like support, Main Line Counseling Partners is here: click HERE to schedule an appointment with our intake coordinator.