Why Measure Your Love?

Measuring your love for someone might seem like a strange thing to do, but it can actually be a very helpful tool for strengthening your relationship. When you take the time to assess the depth and strength of your love, you can identify areas that need improvement and work together to build a stronger foundation for your relationship.

It can also be a fun and engaging way to connect with your partner and create shared experiences that bring you closer together.

Here is a List of 5 Tests for Love

1. Traditional Couples Therapy

Maybe the most obvious way to get a complete relationship assessment is to go to a marriage counselor or other relationship specialist who is licensed in your state. Your counselor will ask you and your partner many questions, including questions about the history of your relationship, your families of origin, strengths, challenges and goals.

Your assessment will include both individual and joint sessions, and you’ll likely be asked to complete a questionnaire so that your therapist can score it and then provide feedback and help you see your areas that need growth as well as your areas of strength.

If you are in the state of Pennsylvania, Main Line Counseling Partners can help. We have couples therapists who use the Gottman Method of Assessment and Treatment, which is often considered the gold standard of couples therapy because it is backed by science and includes a comprehensive series of ways to test your love (observation by a licensed professional, individual and joint history, questionnaires, interventions designed to test which strategies will work for you and your partner.)

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Private, one on one evidence-based couples therapy is not accessible to many people, so the remainder of this article is my attempt to provide alternative resources that is grounded in the same information that leads to 94% positive results for free.

Reading an article is not psychotherapy, or taking an online test for love can in no way replace the value of a private assessment with a licensed professional.

2. DIY Relationship Assessment

As mentioned above, I guide my private therapy clients through a complex data-driven four-hour assessment. As a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist and researcher, I am a stickler for science and I won’t give advice that’s not backed by research.

I start asking questions on the first phone call and then just keep going. We have a 90-minute joint meeting, two individual psycho-social histories, 63 pages of questionnaires, and a treatment planning session. They also do this while wearing monitors that beep when their heart rates go over 100 beats per minute.

I have written a short, free eBook to take you behind the scenes of the couples therapy assessment process so that you can do this assessment on your own. If you want your relationship to be better than it already is, improving your self-awareness is the best place to start. A self-assessment a test for your love that will help you maintain the balance of staying aware of the wonderful things about your partner as well as taking a look at the things that you can do better. It is a great reminder that you are 50% of a two-person team.

Get My Copy of Laura’s Self-Assessment eBook: How to Be the Best Partner You Can Be

The third of our five tests for love is a quiz for assessing your conflict management style

Conflict can be difficult to navigate, and everyone has their own approach. A conflict style assessment will help you identify which of the five approaches you use in order to improve your relationships. From there, you can explore strategies to enhance your interaction with your partner.

Identifying your conflict style helps you become aware of the approach you naturally tend to take when dealing with a disagreement. This understanding can be powerful because it can help you learn effective strategies for resolving issues and creating stronger relationships.

 

We know from the research that there are five conflict styles: three are functional, and two are dysfunctional, having been shown to lead to relationship dissatisfaction, separation, and divorce.

 

Here is an overview of the styles:

Functional Conflict Management Styles

• Conflict Avoiders: Prefer to focus on similarities instead of differences and avoid high emotional intensity levels.
• Volatile Couples: Don’t shy away from differences, and instead discuss them with a lot of emotion, laughter, and honesty.
• Validating Couples: Show high levels of empathy and value in seeing multiple sides of an issue. Their emotional intensity is midway between avoidance and volatility.

4. Relationship Fitness Test

 

I have created a fun, interactive love test for a quick relationship fitness assessment so you can identify your strengths and problem areas. This quiz will identify which of the following categories your are currently in (and how to move up a level).

 

5. Intimacy Compatibility Test

There are four styles of intimacy in relationships. Our fifth way to test your love is with an intimacy quiz.

 

When you understand your preferred intimacy style as well as your partners, you will be better able to feel close in a way that works for both of you.

1. Emotional Intimacy Connection Style
2. Physical Intimacy Connection Style
3. Intellectual Intimacy Connection Style
4. Avoidant Intimacy Connection Style

We all experience these four kinds of intimacy at different times, and most people have one or two primary preferences regarding their favorite way to connect. The one thing these styles all have in common is that they have to do with vulnerability. The mind-body-heart connection is real. We can connect with our minds (intellectual intimacy), our bodies (physical intimacy), and our hearts (emotional intimacy). This connection occurs by taking risks with our partners in sharing different parts of ourselves to build trust and deepen connection.

• Intellectual Intimacy results from intellectual vulnerability when we are curious and admit what we don’t know
• Physical Intimacy results from physical vulnerability when we share our bodies in a way that both parties enjoy
• Emotional Intimacy results from emotional vulnerability when we share our feelings
• Intimacy Avoidance results from a limited level of vulnerability when we choose not to share (often as protection from getting hurt)

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What to Do With Your Results from These Tests for Love

Measuring your love for someone might seem like an odd concept, but it can actually be a helpful tool for strengthening your relationship and creating meaningful experiences together.

I think you will find that these love tests will help you understand what makes a healthy relationship, and that you will find the right assessment to help you learn more about your own compatibility and next steps. 

Whether you choose to take a personality quiz together, start couples therapy or want to learn a bit more from the experts, go ahead and put your love to the test – you might just be surprised at what you discover.