Questions to Ask Your Partner: A Therapist’s 3-Step Formula for Deeper Connection
Most couples aren’t struggling because they don’t love each other.
They’re struggling because their conversations have gotten thin.
Click HERE to watch a recording of a live masterclass by Laura Silverstein: Stop Asking “How Was Your Day?” Question-Asking Masterclass
They talk about schedules, kids, dinner, and who’s doing what… and then one day they realize they don’t feel very close anymore.
In this post, Main Line Counseling Partners (a couples therapy practice serving the Greater Philadelphia area) breaks down a simple, practical way to ask better questions—so you can stop living in “How was your day?” land and start having conversations that actually build intimacy.
Why couples drift: the “quiet” path to relationship dissatisfaction
Research and clinical experience tend to point to two main roads that lead couples toward relationship dissatisfaction and separation:
High conflict (constant bickering, harsh fights, yelling—conflict that becomes unlivable)
Emotional disengagement (a slow, steady loss of warmth, curiosity, humor, and feeling like “we’re in this together”)
High conflict is obvious. Emotional disengagement is sneakier.
It can look like:
more roommate energy than partner energy
less affection and less sex (or sex that feels disconnected)
fewer real conversations
less excitement to see each other
a household that runs… but a relationship that feels flat
If emotional disengagement is the problem, the best place to start is usually conversation—specifically, learning questions to ask your partner that feel natural, safe, and connecting.
Click HERE to visit our store so you can print your communication cheat sheets: Relationship Academy Store: For Relationship Advice Printable PDFs
The mistake people make when they google “questions to ask your partner”
A lot of relationship content online recommends questions that sound deep… but actually shut people down.
Two common examples:
“What is your biggest fear in life?”
“Where do you want our relationship to be in 10 years?”
Are these “bad” questions? Not always.
But they often fail because they’re:
too big, too fast
dropped into a normal moment (making dinner, unloading bags)
not connected to anything real that’s happening right now
If your partner is anxious, avoidant, stressed, or simply not in the mood to get emotionally intense, a huge question can feel like pressure. And pressure kills openness.
So what works better?
A simple 3-step process.
The 3-step formula for asking better questions
Step 1: Start with an open-ended question that’s relevant
Great questions aren’t clever. They’re relevant.
An open-ended question:
can’t be answered with yes/no
isn’t a fact-check question
invites someone to share their inner world
The most important part: it’s based on your partner’s real life.
Examples of strong openers:
“How did your meeting go?”
“What was your morning like?”
“What did you think of that show last night?”
“What stood out to you about that movie?”
“How are you feeling about tomorrow?”
Notice what these do: they show you remembered something and you’re following up.
That’s one of the fastest ways to help your partner feel known.
Why “movie questions” can build intimacy (yes, really)
Some people assume deep connection only happens through deep topics.
But many couples need a safer on-ramp.
Talking about a movie, show, book, or shared moment can bring up emotions (humor, fear, surprise, admiration) without forcing your partner to “bare their soul.” That safety often creates momentum for deeper conversation later.
Step 2: Use “Skydiving Listening”
Once you ask the question, the intimacy comes from what happens next.
Think of listening like you’re about to jump out of a plane and the instructor is giving life-saving instructions.
That level of focus.
Here are four “Skydiving Listening” rules:
1) No multitasking (when it’s tender)
Not every conversation needs eye contact and a serious face. You can chat while cooking or folding laundry.
But if your partner is sharing something vulnerable—put the phone down and give real attention.
2) No premature problem-solving
When your partner talks about their day, they’re usually looking for connection first.
If you jump to: “Here’s what you should do,” they may stop sharing.
A better move: stay curious before you fix.
3) Develop “amnesia” (act like they’re the expert)
Even if you already know the story—or have opinions—try to approach it like you’re learning it fresh.
This reduces arguing and increases empathy.
4) Don’t play devil’s advocate
If your partner is upset at their boss, it’s rarely the moment to defend the boss.
Later, sure—when you’re problem-solving together.
But in the bonding moment? Stay on your partner’s team.
Step 3: Follow up naturally
This is where the best “questions to ask your partner” come from: their answer.
Follow-up questions that keep things flowing:
“Then what happened?”
“How did that go for you?”
“What was that like inside?”
“What do you think you’ll do next?”
“What part of that bothered you the most?”
“What did you need in that moment?”
This is how conversations feel normal instead of scripted.
What to do when your partner says something that shocks you
If your partner says something surprising—maybe even something you disagree with—don’t pretend you’re fine.
But also don’t rush to your opinion first.
A strong first move is curiosity:
“What was going on for you?”
“What did they say right before that?”
“What happened after you said it?”
“How were you feeling in that moment?”
You can be honest and curious.
Sequence matters:
understand them
validate what makes sense
then share your perspective
That order reduces defensiveness and keeps the door open.
What if you agree to “better communication”… and your partner drops it?
This is very normal. People forget. They get tired. They fall back into habits.
If you come in harsh—“You never follow through”—you’ll likely trigger defensiveness.
A better option is a gentle start-up (a Gottman-style approach):
“I feel ___ about ___, and my need/request is ___.”
Example:
“I feel frustrated about how we said we’d try this, and then it didn’t happen. My request is that we pick one small moment this week to practice—would tonight after dinner work?”
Then add curiosity:
“What got in the way for you?”
“Do you want to try a different approach?”
This keeps it collaborative instead of accusatory.
A quick note about emotional intimacy and physical intimacy
Many couples get stuck in a loop:
one partner wants more sex and closeness
the other wants more emotional safety first
Light, warm connection (humor, shared interests, feeling seen) often helps both sides. That’s why these kinds of questions matter: they create the emotional environment where physical intimacy can return more naturally.
25 questions to ask your partner (that won’t feel like therapy)
These are meant to sound normal—because normal is what gets answered.
Easy connection starters
“What was the best part of your day?”
“What was the most annoying part?”
“What are you looking forward to this week?”
“What’s something you want to do together soon?”
“What’s one thing you wish I understood better right now?”
Questions that build emotional intimacy gently
“When did you feel most stressed today?”
“What’s been on your mind lately?”
“What’s something you’re proud of that I might not notice?”
“What do you need more of from me this week?”
“What would help you feel more supported?”
Great follow-up questions
“Tell me more.”
“What was that like for you?”
“What did you want to say but didn’t?”
“What do you think you’ll do next?”
“What do you wish had happened instead?”
Fun questions that still create closeness
“What did you think of that show/movie?”
“Who did you relate to most in it?”
“What’s a tiny thing that made you laugh today?”
“If we had a free Saturday, what would be your ideal plan?”
“What’s a meal you’d love us to make together?”
If you’re stuck, couples therapy can help
If you’re trying to reconnect but conversations keep sliding back into logistics or conflict, it may be time for support.
At Main Line Counseling Partners, couples therapy focuses on practical communication tools that help partners feel closer—one conversation at a time—without turning your home into a therapy office.