Empathy vs Sympathy (Brene Brown Reaction)

How to Actually Empathize (So You Don’t Accidentally Push Your Partner Away)

~ Based on the reaction video: Brene Brown Emapthy vs. Sympathy

Empathy fuels connection, while sympathy can create distance. Learn how to make sure you’re saying things that will help your partner feel understood instead of worse. Keep reading for a simple step-by-step empathy flowchart you can use every time someone in your life is upset and needs to be comforted.

So what is empathy, and why is it so different from sympathy?

Here’s the bottom line:

Empathy fuels connection.

Sympathy often drives disconnection.

And the tricky part is that the difference can feel tiny… but it can make a massive difference in the health of a primary romantic relationship.

This post is all about how to actually empathize—so you don’t accidentally slip into sympathy and leave your partner feeling lonely and disconnected at the exact moment they need you most.

I’m Laura Silverstein, LCSW a certified couples therapist and practice owner, and I’m going to walk you through two things:

What Brené Brown teaches about empathy vs. sympathy (she explains it beautifully).
The exact strategy I use with couples in my office to help them empathize in a way that actually lands.

Let’s get into it.

Empathy vs. Sympathy: The “Deep Hole” Example

Brené Brown gives one of the clearest visuals I’ve ever heard. Here is her original video with my commentary if you learn better with video vs text:

Imagine someone is down in a deep hole. They’re overwhelmed. It’s dark. They’re stuck.

What empathy sounds like

Empathy says something like:

“Hey, I’m climbing down. I know what it’s like down here. You’re not alone.”

Empathy is with someone. It’s the emotional equivalent of pulling up a chair and sitting beside them.

What sympathy sounds like

Sympathy stays at the top of the hole and says something like:

“Oof. That’s bad. …You want a sandwich?”

Sympathy often has good intentions, but it tends to create distance. It can come across as uncomfortable, avoidant, or minimizing—especially when someone is in real pain.

The Key Move: Connect to the Feeling (Not the Exact Situation)

This is such an important point.

Brené Brown explains that empathy is a choice—and it’s a vulnerable choice—because to connect with someone else, you have to connect with something in yourself that knows that feeling.

That does not mean you have to have lived the exact same experience.

It means you connect to the emotion underneath it.

Because even if our circumstances differ, we all know what it’s like to feel:

sad
scared
insecure
overwhelmed
rejected
lonely
disappointed

So instead of thinking, “I can’t relate to this exact scenario,” you think, “I can relate to this feeling.”

That shift changes everything.

The “At Least…” Trap (And Why It Backfires)

Brené Brown also points out something many of us do automatically:

“Rarely does an empathic response begin with ‘At least…’”

Examples:

“I had a miscarriage.” → “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
“I think my marriage is falling apart.” → “At least you have a marriage.”
“John’s getting kicked out of school.” → “At least Sarah is an A student.”

If you’ve ever said something like that, you’re not a monster. You’re human.

A lot of times, when someone shares something painful, we panic a little internally and try to make it better. We try to “silver lining” it.

But here’s the issue:

Your intention may be positive, but if it lands as dismissive, it creates disconnection.

When someone is hurting, they don’t want the pain edited down. They want to feel met in it.

Sometimes the most empathic thing you can say is:

“I don’t even know what to say right now. I’m just really glad you told me.”

Because the truth is: rarely can a response make something better.
What makes something better is connection.

The Ultimate Empathy Flowchart (The One I Use With Couples)

If you want a simple way to make sure you’re empathizing—not sympathizing—this is the structure I teach couples. You can purchase a copy for $7 HERE.

It starts with one crucial step that can make or break the whole conversation:

Step 0: Ask a clarifying question

Before you do anything else, ask:

“Do you want to vent (empathy), or do you want problem-solving?”

Because if your partner wants to vent and you start fixing, they’ll feel dismissed.
And if they want problem-solving and you only validate, they might feel stuck.

So clarify first.

If they want problem-solving: go ahead and problem-solve together.
If they want to vent / feel understood: use the empathy steps below.

The 3 Steps to Empathy

Step 1: Practice “Skydiving Listening”

Skydiving listening means listening like your life depends on it.

Imagine you’re in a plane about to jump, and your skydiving instructor is explaining what to do. You’re not multitasking. You’re not interrupting. You’re not telling your own story. You’re not giving advice.

You’re locked in.

Here are the rules:

1) No multitasking

Put the phone down. Pause the show. Turn toward your partner.

2) No premature problem-solving

Remember: you already clarified. If they want empathy, you don’t fix yet.

3) Develop “amnesia”

This one is huge.

Temporarily forget everything you think you know about the situation.
Let them explain it from their perspective. Be curious. Let them be the expert on their own experience.

4) Don’t play devil’s advocate

If your partner is upset about their boss, this is not the moment to defend the boss.

Later—when they’re calmer—you can offer perspective.

In the empathy moment, you are on your partner’s team. You are in their corner.

5) Don’t analyze or give feedback

An empathizer is a little bit “dumb” (in the best way).

Not clueless—just not performing, diagnosing, critiquing, or lecturing.
You’re simply making space for your partner’s inner world.

Step 2: Paraphrase

Paraphrasing is repeating back what you heard—using their language as much as possible.

You can say:

“So what I’m hearing you say is…”
“It sounds like you’re feeling… because…”
“Let me make sure I’ve got this…”

Example:

“So what I heard you say is that you’re feeling really stressed at work because you feel like you’re giving and giving and nobody’s noticing you.”

When people are upset, they want to feel heard.

And one of the fastest ways to create that feeling is for them to hear their own meaning reflected back.

Step 3: Validate

Validating means expressing why it makes sense that they feel what they feel.

This is not the same thing as saying “you’re right.”

It’s saying:

“That makes sense.”
“I can see why that would be so upsetting.”
“Of course you’d feel that way.”

Validation can also include:

Communicating solidarity: “You’re not alone in this.”
Maintaining eye contact
Offering physical affection (if it’s welcome)
Asking curious questions (not leading or problem-solving questions)

Curious questions sound like:

“What happened next?”
“What was that like for you?”
“What do you think made that feel so intense?”
“What part of that is sticking with you the most?”

The Magic Question: “Do you feel understood?”

After you listen, paraphrase, and validate, ask:

“Do you feel understood?”

If they say yes:

Then you can ask, “Do you want to brainstorm solutions?”
Or: “Is there anything I can do to support you right now?”

If they say no:

Don’t argue.
Don’t defend yourself.
Just say:

“Tell me more. What didn’t I understand yet? What do you want me to understand?”

Then repeat the process.

This is how you stay connected instead of spiraling into a fight about how you’re talking about the original problem.

Why This Works in Real Relationships

A lot of partners come into couples therapy saying:

“I don’t feel understood.”
or
“My partner isn’t empathic.”

And very often, the partner is trying. They’re just trying to make it better too quickly.

Empathy isn’t about fixing the feeling.

It’s about joining the feeling—so your partner doesn’t have to carry it alone.

Wrap-Up

If you want to make sure you’re empathizing instead of sympathizing, remember:

Clarify: “Do you want to vent or problem-solve?”
Skydiving listen: no multitasking, no fixing, no devil’s advocate.
Paraphrase: reflect their meaning back.
Validate: make sense of their feelings and show solidarity.
Ask: “Do you feel understood?”

Connection is what makes things better.

And empathy is the pathway.