The Real Antidote to Contempt: A Story About Julie Gottman, Hierarchy, and Relational Humility
About 15 years ago, I had a conversation with Julie Gottman that changed the way I understand couples therapy, relationships, and even humility itself.
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It happened at a small reception after a large conference for Certified Gottman therapists. I remember feeling nervous, almost like a terrified child approaching a mentor. I walked up to Julie, a little tongue-tied, and sheepishly admitted that I was starstruck.
You know what she said?
“That’s ridiculous.”
It wasn’t a scolding. It wasn’t reassurance either. It felt more like a sister saying, don’t be dumb, you know better.
I continued with my prepared speech, thanking her for the research, the model, and what she and John had built for all of us to follow.
She smiled warmly and then said something I’ve never forgotten:
“Remember, Laura. Don’t try to be us. Don’t just copy what we’re doing. It’s up to you guys to continue this work.”
I remember feeling perplexed.
At that point, I was already certified in the Gottman Method. I was using all the interventions, studying their case examples, reviewing their videos. It was working incredibly well. My couples were transforming.
And she was right. I was trying to mimic a perfect hybrid of John and Julie. I was even using their metaphors. I thought that was what I was supposed to do.
Was I doing something wrong?
Yes and no.
She told me to find my own voice. Keep learning. Keep revising. Like any scientific experiment, test, repeat, and adjust.
That made sense. The Gottman Method itself evolves with new research. But those updates came from research teams and universities. I was just a clinician.
Then she said something that stayed with me for years:
“All you need to do is keep listening to your couples. They’re the ones who will show you what we’ve gotten wrong.”
It took me years to fully understand what she gave me in that moment.
It wasn’t just permission.
She demonstrated something deeper.
Something I now believe is central to the future of couples therapy.
But first, we need to talk about contempt.
Why Contempt Is So Hard to Solve
Gottman’s research identifies contempt as the single strongest predictor of divorce. Not conflict. Not criticism. Contempt.
So naturally, we want to get the antidote right.
Originally, the Gottman model suggested that the antidote to contempt was to build a culture of appreciation. Later, the recommendation shifted toward describing your own feelings and needs instead of criticizing your partner.
This is where “I statements” come in:
“I feel lonely when we don’t connect at the end of the day”
instead of
“You never pay attention to me.”
This is genuinely good clinical advice. I still teach it.
“I statements” reduce defensiveness. They open communication. They help couples talk more safely.
But here’s what I kept seeing in my office:
Couples were using “I statements.”
They were trying.
And contempt kept cycling back.
Why?
Because “I statements” change how you speak.
They don’t change where you’re standing when you say it.
And where you’re standing is the root of contempt.
Contempt Comes From Hierarchy
Contempt emerges from a felt sense of hierarchy.
When contempt is present, there’s often an internal narrative like:
- I’m more mature
- I work harder
- I’m more emotionally intelligent
- I’m more self-aware
- And I have evidence
From that elevated perch, contempt shows up as:
- Eye rolling
- Sighing
- Sarcasm
- Dismissiveness
And here’s the important part:
It’s not always cruelty.
Often, it comes from a genuine belief that you see something your partner doesn’t.
That’s hierarchy.
And no “I statement” can dismantle hierarchy.
Because you can speak respectfully to someone you still feel superior to.
The Moment I Realized the Real Antidote
As my team and I began testing new hypotheses, we did exactly what Julie told me to do years earlier.
We listened carefully to our couples.
Eventually, I realized something surprising.
Julie Gottman herself had demonstrated the true antidote to contempt in that conversation all those years ago.
Think about what happened.
I approached her in a one-down position:
Student to guru
Follower to expert
Below to above
That was the hierarchy I assumed.
Most people in her position would have comforted me. Congratulated me. Moved on.
She didn’t.
When she said, “That’s ridiculous,” she knocked down the hierarchy.
She didn’t patronize me. She treated me like a colleague. Like an equal. Like someone alongside her, working toward the same goal.
She was telling me:
You have access to truth that I don’t.
Your perspective matters.
Your seat is valuable.
That is Relational Humility.
What Is Relational Humility?
Humility is going one-down and recognizing someone else’s value.
Relational humility is different.
Relational humility is two people stepping off the hierarchy entirely and standing alongside each other.
It’s moving from:
Better than / Worse than
to:
Alongside.
It’s not false modesty.
It’s not pretending everyone knows the same things.
It’s the decision to leave the hierarchy completely.
And that’s the real antidote to contempt.
Why “I Statements” Alone Don’t Work
Here’s the key insight:
You can deliver a perfectly crafted “I statement” from the top of a hierarchy.
And contempt will still be in the room.
Your partner will feel it.
Because contempt doesn’t live in your words.
It lives in your stance.
A 3-Step Process for Practicing Relational Humility
The good news is you don’t need your partner to start.
You can begin on your own.
Step 1: Notice the “Ick”
This is the feeling of being one-up or one-down.
Not hurt.
Not fear.
But that subtle sense of:
Exasperation
Eye rolling
Dismissiveness
Just notice it.
Name it:
“I’m in the hierarchy right now.”
Step 2: Choose Curiosity Over Superiority
This is a conscious decision.
Curiosity sounds like:
- What might I be missing?
- What is going on for them that I don’t fully understand?
- What does this look like from their perspective?
You’re not abandoning your viewpoint.
You’re making room for theirs.
Step 3: Embrace Equal Worth
This is the hardest step.
Seeing your partner as:
Equally human
Equally flawed
Equally worthy
Even when you feel hurt or convinced you’re right.
Equal worth is not a feeling.
It’s a decision.
That decision takes you off the perch.
And then you speak.
From alongside.
That’s when conversations actually change.
The Future of Couples Therapy
Julie didn’t consciously walk through these steps at that reception.
It was already in her posture.
And that’s the goal.
To practice relational humility until it’s not something you do.
It’s simply how you stand in your relationship.
In my next piece, I’ll walk through exactly how to dissolve hierarchy using relational humility so you can apply it in your own relationship or teach it to your clients.
Because as Julie taught me:
We test.
We observe.
We revise.
And we keep learning from the people sitting right in front of us.