What Gottman Got Wrong About the 4 Horsemen (And What Actually Fixes Contempt)

The usual antidotes to contempt often don’t work.

Here is a video where I walk you through my new approach (or keep reading for more details)

By Laura Silverstein, LCSW, Certified Gottman Couples Therapist — Main Line Counseling Partners

If you’ve been trying to improve your relationship, you’ve probably heard of Gottman’s Four Horsemen — criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

These four communication patterns are widely known as the strongest predictors of divorce, with contempt being the most dangerous of all.

But after more than 30 years working with couples — and being trained directly by John and Julie Gottman — I’ve noticed something important:

And that’s because contempt isn’t just a communication problem.

It’s a relationship hierarchy problem.

Let’s talk about what that means — and what actually helps.

The Four Horsemen: A Quick Overview

According to Gottman’s research, these four behaviors predict relationship breakdown:

• Criticism — Attacking your partner’s character
• Defensiveness — Blaming instead of taking responsibility
• Contempt — Superiority, disrespect, eye-rolling, sarcasm
• Stonewalling — Emotional withdrawal and shutdown

These behaviors create escalating negativity, eventually leading to emotional distance and relationship breakdown.

But not all four horsemen are equal.

Contempt stands apart.

Because contempt creates one-up / one-down dynamics in relationships.

Why Contempt Is Different From the Other Horsemen

Criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling are communication problems.

Contempt is something deeper.

Contempt is when:

• One partner believes they are smarter
• More mature
• More reasonable
• More emotionally evolved
• More “right”

When this happens, the relationship becomes hierarchical instead of collaborative.

Instead of two equal partners, you now have:

• One person above
• One person below

And once that hierarchy forms, communication skills alone don’t fix it.

Because even perfect communication still happens inside the hierarchy.

What Gottman Got Wrong About the Antidote to Contempt

Over the years, Gottman has suggested different antidotes to contempt:

• Build a culture of appreciation
• Express gratitude
• Describe your own needs and feelings, not your partner

These are all helpful, and will work when there is a MOMENT of contempt expressed in the midst of an argument.

But marriages don’t end because someone rolled their eyes once during a fight. The contempt that leads to divorce, in my clinical experience and observations, is the kind that is a more ongoing dynamic and belief system.

Because contempt isn’t just about negativity.

It’s about superiority.

And you can’t appreciate your partner while still believing you’re better than them.

The Real Antidote to Contempt: Relational Humility

What actually dissolves contempt is relational humility.

Relational humility means:

• Recognizing your partner has wisdom you don’t
• Accepting that you’re both imperfect
• Being open to influence
• Letting go of the need to be “right”
• Seeing yourselves as equals

This shifts the relationship from:

One-Up / One-Down → Side-By-Side

And that changes everything.

Because once humility enters the relationship:

• Defensiveness softens
• Criticism becomes curiosity
• Stonewalling decreases
• Emotional safety increases

In other words:

Relational humility dissolves contempt at its root.

Where Contempt Shows Up Most

I see contempt most often in two situations:

1. After Infidelity

The hurt partner understandably feels morally superior.

This creates:

• One-up partner (hurt partner)
• One-down partner (partner who betrayed)

While this reaction is understandable, long-term healing requires rebuilding equality.

Otherwise, the relationship stays stuck.

2. Characterological Conflict

Sometimes one partner truly believes:

• “I’m more responsible”
• “I’m more emotionally mature”
• “I’m the only one trying”

This belief — even if partially true — creates contempt.

And contempt prevents growth.

Because growth requires mutual respect.

How to Practice Relational Humility

Here are a few ways to begin:

1. Assume Your Partner Has Something to Teach You

Even when you disagree.

2. Replace Certainty With Curiosity

Instead of:
“You’re wrong.”

Try:
“Help me understand how you see this.”

3. Look for Your Contribution

Even if it’s small.

4. Let Go of Keeping Score

Equality matters more than being right.

Why This Matters

Contempt is the most dangerous relationship pattern.

But it’s also one of the most misunderstood.

Because most couples think:

“We just need better communication.”

But often, what they really need is:

More humility.

When couples shift from superiority to partnership, the entire relationship changes.

And suddenly:

• Conversations soften
• Defensiveness decreases
• Emotional safety returns
• Connection grows again

Couples Therapy in the Greater Philadelphia Area

At Main Line Counseling Partners, we help couples:

• Reduce contempt
• Build relational humility
• Improve communication
• Rebuild connection

We help people feel happier one conversation at a time.

If you’re noticing contempt in your relationship, you’re not alone — and it’s absolutely something you can work through.

You don’t have to figure it out on your own.

Final Thought

Contempt isn’t solved by better communication.

It’s solved by better positioning.

From:

Me vs. You

To:

Us, side-by-side.

And that shift begins with humility. Click this link to learn more about what Gottman got wrong with his antidote to contempt (and what to do instead)